BOLD and TRUE: I'm in school...

Tonight is the New Moon. The time of renewal, of quiet beginnings, of little light and smooth darkness. Today to get the BOLD and TRUE series going, I'm going to write something true, something bold, something that I believe in and am proud of about myself, that I have been too nervous to "go public" with, or voice loudly and with confidence to my bloggy world. Check out Monday's post to find out more about the series. From now on they will be posted on Mondays, but this mama loves the moon, so to get us started I wanted to post something today.

I think our bold and true moments can be small, and I have many, but today I'm going to talk about one of my bigger ones. One of my "coming out" kinds of things.

I'm currently getting a Ph.D. in Holistic Theology. Why would I be nervous about saying this? Well, I think the easiest way to explain it is to make a list. Ya'll know I like lists...

1) Because it's in theology - and people have very weighted opinions on what that means.
2) Because it's a Ph.D. Because I don't believe that means anything in particular. Just because I've been lucky enough to go to school - lots of school - doesn't make me any different from someone who hasn't wanted to or hasn't been able to. It doesn't. I HATE academic elitism, and the attitudes that can come with it. I've never been comfortable in it.
3) It's from a non-traditional distance school. I've been worried people would say "that's not a real school"
4) It actually means a great deal to me, feels like it's part of my life's purpose, and... that makes me shy of expressing it.

I'm getting my Ph.D in Holistic Theology because I want to teach and write. I may even pursue ordination down the line, if I feel called to do that. I can explain more about exactly what I'm doing later on in the blog, now that I've "come out" with the truth of it. It's a non-traditional distance school which I LOVE. I believe that within a lot of traditional schools there's a great deal of institutional hierarchy which actually takes people away from what they truly want to be learning. I think learning should be self-guided, self-paced, and exist within a realm of freedom and responsibility. In other words, I love that I don't have to go to classes and take proctered tests. Because this is MY education, I have high standards for myself, and to a certain extent, I will get out of it what I put into it. I want to know this information. I want to get it, I want to become it. Because I want to do things with it. I don't just want a grade, I want a life. I think that organizations, companies and institutions that are set up to provide real people with alternate forms of education are greatly needed in our society which is pretty set in its educational ways.

Why am I doing this and where did it come from?

When I was pregnant, during the election and just after, I was once driving home from shopping, driving peacefully and blissfully on a quiet street, saw a political sign, and nearly started sobbing. OK.. what does this have to do with anything, you might ask?... I think our theological and spiritual perspectives color everything else that we do, politics included. And what I discovered when I was pregnant, was that I think that's unavoidable, and I believe how it should be. But the reality of the world is that right now our religious or theological opinions divide us. They separate us and create conflict, instead of allowing us a meaningful bond as humans. I think there is a heartache in a lot of people because of the way their theological perspective, or the lack thereof, has become something that is so often a bone of contention out there in the greater world.

I've said before that one of my beliefs, and one of the things I became growingly concerned with as my son's arrival became imminent, was what I saw as a spiritual and moral bankruptcy in the culture around him. I believe that while learning his ABCs and Numbers, he should also learn the miracle that is the earth, the power and beauty of the sun, as well as our family's understanding of God and the greater things our there in the universe. I think that with that understanding comes meaning in the days and years, the family around him, the people in need. I think with it comes a feeling of being blessed, and full, and grateful. I believe that with this comes a greater sense of fulfillment and joy. And THAT is what I wish for my son. I do not wish for him a big house and a new car. I don't wish for him a certain number of kids or a certain kind of job. I wish for him fulfillment and joy. I wish that when he's a boy he'll see another boy who is sad, and try to comfort him. I wish that when he's a teenager and the world becomes confusing, that he'll watch a gull above the water, or a sunset, or listen to a hymn or psalm or poem, and find beauty and peace and stillness inside of it to give him meaning and comfort.

Another reason I began this new journey? With great candor, I think one of the things kids can do is get rid of your B.S. Your time becomes limited, your senses heightened, and somehow I think you can know yourself more. With my limited time after my son was born I realized that some things had to fall away, which for me meant that who I was, what I wanted to become and what I wanted to do became much more focused. I didn't have the patience or time to dilly dally any more, and in the process of removing a lot of unnecessary layers, found behind the disguise a truer self with less guile.

So, you know what? I believe in what I'm doing, and I'm proud of it. It's not been easy. I'm over half way done in a little over one year. I wake up at 4 in the morning to have time by myself in the darkness to study. I fall asleep in my chair while drinking coffee trying to get my mind alert enough to focus. There is always a book and tests or papers on the kitchen table. I take little moments all the time throughout every day to get done what I can, write a paragraph, answer a question, read a page... I don't have much time to find friends, see friends or relax. But for right now... this is my relaxation, knowing that I'm fulfilling part of my purpose, working hard, and doing something that is good for me, good for my son, and hopefully some day, good for many other people.

If you want to write something Bold and True, feel free to leave a linky in the comments for others to find, and for me to visit. If you'd rather wait until Monday when we really get up and running - that's fantastic too!