The Middle Way

Becoming a parent, or more accurately becoming the kind of parent that you're going to be, feels a bit like building a boat in a glass bottle to me. Maybe that sounds weird, but parenting is like anything else in life. You find your way through it with a lot of influence by what you see and hear from the people and places around you, struggling through it to do your best. But somehow because of the intensity of your love, the enormity of the experiences condensed into such a small time frame, and your consuming desire to do it well, it feels like everything is done with a detailed intensity, and when it's complete it's packaged up inside a glass bottle for all the world to see. Like it's somehow disconnected from everything else as well, your role as parent one facet of your life that is isolated from the rest. But I don't think that's the way it truly is, or the way it should be.


You hear a lot of advice as soon as your expecting a baby. You hear even more once your child arrives, especially after you start having some kind of problem or issue to work through. Whether the baby's not a good sleeper, whether he or she has trouble eating, whether they're not alert enough, whether they're too alert... I do believe it takes a village to raise a child, and I don't think most of this advice is bad or ill-intentioned. But, as a parent, you hear a lot of it. Then there comes a point, I believe, where you start defining yourself as a parent. What "kind" am I? I couldn't help but wonder this once my son started to turn into a little person, moving past the newborn stage. There are so many philosophies you start hearing about. Am I a montessori parent? Am I strict? Am I a waldorf parent? Am I an unschooler? Am I modern, old fashioned, lenient, creative, scheduled, free-spirited... good golly. I think it is tempting to try to define ourselves so that we fit into a group, whether it's as parents or as people. I tend to want to define myself as one of those "eco-friendly" people partly so that I'll have a community of like-minded people who I can have an understanding with. As a mother it's the same. Part of me would love to fit exactly into the "waldorf" philosophy and parenting method because I would instantly have community and support and understanding. Part of me would love to fit into the "normal"(whatever that means) category because I would again, have community. Plus I wouldn't have to keep overthinking all these philosophies that are out there.

But you know what I think? I don't think defining yourself is true, or accurate, or healthy. Like any phase in life, as a parent I think you have to move your way through, take a little bit of what you find, and try your best to be true to what you think is best. And just because you don't fit into one of the boxes that are already out there doesn't mean you shouldn't still stand up for your convictions. I guess I believe in the middle way. I don't believe in absolutes. I believe in embrasing the diversity that is life, and not trying to mold what's there into categories. And while I do think that some of the philosophies, ideas and advise that you can find out there about raising children is inspiring, and accurate, and true, and great, I also think that kids are little people, and we should never expect them to all be alike, neither should we expect ourselves to be.


So after a year and a half or so, what kind of parent would I describe (not define) myself to be?... Old fashioned, waldorf/montessori/unschooling/strict, loving, supportive, non-sugar eating, extended breast-feeding, out of necessity co-sleeping, non-tv watching, good gosh yes sign language video watching because he loves it, learns from it and I get to sit still for 10 minutes, organic eating except for weekends when we all have mac and cheese and baked beans from a can... yes a can, explorative and experiential, except that we don't have car and don't leave the house four days a week. Natural and non-technology driven, except that for some reason my son has always loved cords. Imagine linus, except instead of a blanket dragging behind him he has some kind of extension cord or headphones... plastic hating, nature loving, spiritual but dogma free, a little too much dancing, joyous but every once in a while grumpy, educational, music loving, book loving, somewhat scheduled, rooted, dedicated, whole-hearted and intentional.

Anyone else not define themselves either?