I think it's going to rain today

I've had this desire lately to attempt to run a marathon. Why... on earth...? Because I like things that are hard.

Every morning, after very little sleep, during that part of the day where I doubt whether I can do it, I go exercise on an old elliptical machine I've had for years. I sweat, and listen to intense music, make my legs sore, day dream out at the fog, and otherwise work hard for about half an hour. It's harder because I'm so tired when I start. It is also, I think some days, all that keeps me awake past 2 in the afternoon.

So why do I sort of want to run a marathon? When in actuality if I run on a street, instead of on my little elliptical pedals, my muscles and joints and organs and insides grumble at the impact? I'm not planning on actually running a marathon. I do like the idea of doing it, training for it, but the reality is I don't have that kind of time right now. But I still think about it. I think about it because I like the metaphor.

You see I think life is hard. I think it's supposed to be. I think sometimes the best parts are hard. Sure you remember them as being fantastic, celebratory, glorious. But if you think back on how they came to be, the trail there usually kicked your butt. Somehow effort and work have been given negative connotations, when all it means is that you're in the pursuit of something. That is a purposeful, meaningful occupation and one worth the doing.

I know I always talk about "green things", living sustainably, "saving the planet", and whatever catch slogans you want to add. Well, I will do so here again. Not because I think the planet needs to be saved, although I think it does. Not so much because I worry about all the wasted resources, although I do. Not so much because I am terrified of the results of the oil spill, even though I am. I talk about it because I see it as a symptom of a blight that doesn't have anything directly to do with the environment or the planet. It's the blight of purposelessness. It's the blight of busyness. It's not living intentionally and choosing what you work at.

Twice in the past couple days it's come up how living "greener" is harder. Once in the response in comments on a news article regarding a book called Radical Homemaker. The commentor was explaining basically how elitist, ignorant and ridiculous the author was because people don't have time, money or inclination to do the things the author mentions in her book. Of course, if you're a single working mother the time it takes to hang clothes on a line to dry, hand make baby food, compost your food, or other "green" things is hard, if not impossible. Of course not everyone lives in a place with a yard where they can grow a fern, let alone a vegetable garden. But to me it's not about what we can't do. It's about what we can. It's not about what's too hard to do, it's about just doing things. It seems to me that we focus so much on how hard things are to do that we don't work hard at what we want to do. If you truly want a vegetable garden and can only afford an apartment... Then move. If your city is too expensive then move to a podunk town where you can rent a trailer in the middle of the woods for the cost of a studio apartment. I only say this with assertiveness because I've done it. It is really hard to work a job you hate to afford to feed, clothe and sustain your family. But if you hate it, and your kids all have new cell phones, and you want to be "greener"... then there's room. Get rid of the cell phones, work fewer hours, and cook from scratch saving money.

It's not about what's hard. Life is hard, it's supposed to be. It's about squeezing room out wherever you can find it to work hard at the things that are in tune with what you believe in. While I tend toward the practical, and am firmly rooted in the belief that reality is reality, and we have to work to get what we need for ourselves and our family, I simply also believe that if we run a marathon, and at 12 or 20 miles feel like it's all we have, that we can't possibly work any harder, if you pull it from within yourself from somewhere you didn't know you had, you can come up with that extra 14 or 6 miles to accomplish what you really want. And when you've finished you won't just be happy because you did, you'll be proud because you did it even after you thought you had nothing left. Proving that you're more than you know, more that you thought you were, and proving that even when you have to work so hard, you shouldn't set your expectations low.

So every morning I run a mini marathon, knowing I have many more miles to go, and pulling it from somewhere to keep going.